Yochanan ~ God is gracious

As I sip on my daily cup of comfort (black tea with a splash of milk), I stare out into the field from my tiny home, watching the snow slowly fall to the ground and I decide I need to write. Perhaps writing will help make meaning from what I cannot comprehend. I am days away from preaching at a ski resort chapel nearby and I am deeply contemplating what I will speak on as my heart, mind, and soul swirl from the events of the last week~the timing sends questions that I cannot answer. Another sip, another flake falls, and I wonder and continue to wonder. My being is deeply contemplating a reality so many of us are faced with but this time, it has come close. It is a choice my dear friend is making, she is choosing to die sooner than her body has failed. ALS is slowly capturing her physical vessel and I can’t imagine what this last year has been like for her. I simply can’t imagine. In my heart and soul, I’m resisting and praying for a different outcome and yet, we are graciously given the right to choose, and I also choose to honor her in the choice she may make soon. There’s not an hour that goes by lately, that my friend Joanne, doesn’t come to mind. And then I wonder… what does the name Joanne mean? After a simple search, my breath is slowed… Joanne is a Hebrew name, Yochanan ~ “God is gracious.” And under my breath, I pray… Dear God, please be gracious.

We, Joanne’s master swim friends, were planning a Celebration of Life with her present. Our goal was to do our best to express our deep love for her and to uplift her in every way we could think of. Days leading up to the Celebration, I continually saw a picture in my mind that I knew I was suppose to paint. I tried to figure out how I could find the time to learn how to paint a mermaid and a bicycle that I’ve never painted before and as I procrastinated, the picture came to mind over and over and over again, day after day and I was reminded that being an artist at the mercy of God’s call is for moments in life like this. So I ushered myself to the studio on the Sunday afternoon before the Celebration. Once I committed to the process of putting together something with little time, I thought a small canvas made sense. But, this work, had to be painted on a large canvas ~ after all Joanne’s presence and life has been large in so many of our lives.

Three days later we gathered in Mermaid & Hobo style (6:45 am) for Joanne’s Celebration of Life where several of us spoke and I got to present the painting to my dear friend and her first words were, “ohhhh I love that she’s topless!” I laughed with joy because as I knew a top didn’t belong on her… I know how Joanne loves to feel free! As I stood before her as she sat up comfortably in a lounge chair with her sweet, kind, smile, I spoke the following words to her with friends listening on …

It’s not every day you meet a human who makes you feel like you belong…who’s warm smile ignites your heart and you are left with an imprint that bleeds kindness. She’s someone who makes you believe in the sweetness of humanity…how God intends for His creation to belong and love one to another.

Joanne ~ You are a woman who has inspired me. You have inspired us. You are a woman who reminds me to dream and throw caution to the wind. You are a woman who has dared greatly and adventured boldly. And you are a woman who has loved deeply.

Thank you for your smiles, your kindness, your welcoming and companioning. Thank you for giving us the gift of walking alongside you during this season; your openness and vulnerability draws us close and reminds us of the beauty of friendship.

As I’ve been wrestling with saying goodbye… I found myself at my easel with my paints who are often a solace for my grief and a trumpet for my joy. They held space for me to paint what God continued to bring to my mind over these last few days. Though I protested silently in more ways than one knowing that I have never drawn nor painted a mermaid nor a Brompton bicycle but then I thought, who cares, God is with me and I embraced the uncomfortable as you so graciously inspire us to do. On Sunday I took myself to my studio and God helped me paint a scene that I hope makes you smile. It may not be typical for an artist to paint a new subject for the first time on a large canvas and present it in front of a group of people to see it but the process reminds me of you Joanne. You are atypical ~ a special woman who loves deeply and who is deeply loved and who makes us brave and even comfortable in our vulnerabiility.

I painted and prayed while listening to classical music and an old hymn … I didn’t follow all the rules of color or value or light… this painting is not about making sense, it is about welcoming, accepting, honoring, and remembering what has been, what is, and what is to come.  It’s not a work of pragmatic art but rather it’s my soul and imagination joining with you.

May you encounter God’s deep love for you as you ride toward the sun. May the waters around you overflow as you transition from fields of gold, flowers of joy, mountains and trees to encountering the fullness of all creation.

The flowers are daisies, poppies, cosmos, and sunflowers - they represent the garden that blessed your heart every time you walked out in your yard. The Brompton is the bike that took you far and wide throughout the globe and every Brompton I see will remind me of you, for you are the first person I ever met who owned such a bike ~ a bike collapses and travels! Who knew?! I’m sure you noticed she has no top on representing your free spirit and one who is always game for a skinny dip! I figured, sometimes a lady just needs to let it all hang out! But in case you’d rather be covered, I brought my paints and will be happy to put a top on her, at your request. (She cheerfully denied!)

The painting was inspired by a picture God brought to mind and subsequently inspired by the hymn, Oh the Deep Love of Jesus by Samuel Francis.

Oh-oh the deep, deep love of Jesus

Vast unmeasured, boundless, free

Rolling as a mighty ocean

In its fullness over me

Underneath me, all around me

Is the current of His love

Leading onward, leading homeward to

Thy glorious rest above

Oh-oh the deep, deep love of Jesus

'Tis a heav'n of heav'ns to me

And it lifts me up to glory

For it lifts me up to Thee

Oh-oh the deep, deep love of Jesus

Spread His praise from shore to shore

How He loveth, ever loveth

Changeth never, nevermore.

I love you, we love you. It’s not easy to say goodbye.

Buddha once said, “We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.” Joanne your shadow will not leave our hearts.

When I was finished speaking, I handed her the paper with my words written on it which included the following P.S.

P.S. Several weeks ago, there were two stories that came to mind the day I had lunch with you. It didn’t feel right to share them that day but if you are curious, they’re from Luke 8:40-48; 7:36-50. May the healing be true for you as it was for these two women who also suffered in their own way…

A DEEPER LOOK INTO THE ART

The following is written in present tense because Joanne is still with us as I write this post.

The painting had to include the elements Joanne so dearly loves ~ water that she loves to swim in…trees that she loves to hike and ride her bike near… flowers that represent her garden that she tends so faithfully every summer… the sunset and sky that she often gazes up at with a heart so full of gratitude… her Brompton bicycle that is her favorite mode of transportation. The roots of the trees symbolize the interconnection of our lives ~ for we are all born one to another and whether Joanne is here with us physically or not, we will always be connected to her gracious, kind, & loving heart. She is a part of us and even death cannot change that. The path represents a prayer-filled transition for my friend. The path closest to the viewer is metallic copper - a metal often used metaphorically in the Bible representing prosperity, divine blessing, judgment, and strength. The path transitions to gold as she rides through the water, symbolizing the pure cleansing water brings. The path of gold makes me think of all the times (nearly 400) gold is mentioned in the Bible representing wealth, prosperity, sacredness, and purity. The deep symbolism of gold in the Bible reiterates the connection between our physical world and spiritual realities. The path leads to the sun as God’s love can lead us to His Son… “Everyone who calls on the name of Jesus will be saved”(Ro. 10:13). On the horizon is a thin silver lining representing hope. The painting has been a gift to my friend and a way to make meaning and process the choice she is intending to make so, with love and grace, I say. May you ride to the sun/Son my dear friend Yochanan.

I sign every painting with a Hebrew word, “hesed” which means a love that is kind, merciful, faithful, generous, unrelenting, pursuing, a covenant kind of love. Believing and receiving hesed may be one of the hardest things we do in life. It is a reminder that there is a God above who loves fiercely and there is nothing we can do to lose His love.

At Joanne’s request, we have respected her last days to be reserved for time with her family. She plans to end her time on this earth on Friday, February 7, 2025. It is with a heart of sorrow, hope, and deep love that I post this. And I will do what I often do when I feel complicated… I will soak in music that helps ground me, perhaps this song can ground and bless you as well. Highlands (Song of Ascent).

The Embrace →

I found 2019 to be a tumultuous year but 2020 has far surpassed with a world-wide pandemic, an increasingly polarized political climate, racial injustice leading to protests and riots, refugees continuing their flight in search of safety, natural disasters raging, explosions killing and fires surrounding parts of the world. Clearly these are tumultuous times but I’ve also found these times strangely hopeful. Months before the pandemic, God had slowed my life to a more simple, quiet pace, yet, internally intensity rose as I watched the unfurling of catastrophe and disorder. The pandemic’s influence of breathing fear, anxiety and confusion exacerbated issues in my relationships that maybe weren’t all that bad but the undoing exposed unhealed wounds, widened divisions and demanded the choice of embracing love or fear. During this time, I’ve realized the choice we make largely depends on how we choose to use our eyes, ears and mouths.

God gave us eyes to see.

God gave us ears to hear.

God gave us mouths to speak and divine wisdom when not to.


2020 brought relational dynamics where my voice has been silenced, where the other has demanded that he be in total control and that I be invisible. I’ve felt intensely unseen and unheard and I see this happening at every level in the list of crises mentioned above of which our world is navigating and I can’t help but grieve the damage we do to one another when we misuse the God-given crevices in our heads. When one refuses to see and listen to another, it is nothing short of dehumanizing. In all this unrest, confusion and uncertainly, art has been my sanctuary in this middle space - the space between suffering and redemption - that space of knowing God’s truths and yet struggling to see from His perspective - the space of feeling anger toward he one who scarred me yet choosing to love my enemies and pray for one’s who hurt me. Processing through these issues in the context of art deepened my empathy for those who experience this pain on a much grander scale. The voices that have been silenced for centuries: women’s voices, minorities voices, abused partner’s voices, children’s voices . . . Not only did this process help me work through the pain of my recent experience and helped me feel empathy but it also brought conviction of the times I’ve failed to truly see another - to see their value, their God-given beauty despite their sin and flaws or pain they’ve inflicted on me. I’m convicted of the times I’ve been unable or unwilling to truly hear them, of the times my words have been gravel rather than the balm of grace, hope and love.

In my art called, The Embrace, I tried to describe through picture of what happens to us when we loose sight, when we are deaf and unwise or unkind with our tongue. The base layer is made of cut up faces of various skin colors and nationalities. The eyes, ears and mouths are dissembled from God’s original design. Sections of the faces are misfitted with other person’s parts that don’t match or make sense. When we refuse to truly see another or to hear from a heart level and speak from a place of love I believe we, 

become disillusioned

disfigure one another

create new divisions and expand those that already exist 

And we become deceived and thus confusion and despair readily awaits at our doorstep.

For the second layer I whitewashed the disfigured face layer representing the fog that encompasses us when we become deceived and the white layer also represents the skin color God gave me. I am a white woman which means I often view life from an American white female lens but God created all shades of skin and every eye, ear and tongue. Every person is worthy to be seen, heard and embraced. More importantly, it’s ultimately Christ’s lens I must peer through, His Spirit’s whispers that I must lean into and His Words that I must digest in order to speak life, hope and love to myself and others. Maybe I have white skin but I pray that my allegiance is to Christ alone and not to a color or ideology or a nation’s borders or a political party. 

The third and final layer is intended to represent the powerful, unashamed EMBRACE - Christ embraces us fully, unconditionally and whole-heartedly. When I accept and receive His divine embrace, only then, am I able to embrace others fully, unconditionally and whole-heartedly . . . While I know this to be true, I’m not there yet in some of the cracks in my heart but I am reminded that unless I cling to Him, I cannot truly see, deeply hear, or speak sincere words of love and life to those around me. 

May I, may we, be the Body who receives His embrace and clings to Him. Then, may we, fearlessly embrace others from all walks, all cities, all nations. This is possible when we truly believe that, “He who is in us, is Greater than he who is in the world (1 Jn. 4:4). May we trust that He will not abandon us in the middle space (Heb. 13:5) and that He is redeeming all things, even when we can’t yet see the fullness of that redemption (Pro. 17:22a, Heb. 12:2). By faith, may we choose to Embrace His Love and in turn, embrace others.

The Great Covering

On this particular day, I came into the Art Studio feeling a lot of things. My friend asked me how I was doing. I didn’t want to talk about it particularly but I admitted that I felt mad. I was mad at the injustices that occur. I was mad about people being treated unfairly. She asked if I wanted to paint together. I looked at her with great hesitancy; she was proposing to paint “together” on one canvas. This felt scary and vulnerable but I knew I had to say yes and I’m so glad I did!

We each picked out a few colors that we were drawn to. I started with red x’s and she started with blending blues. We took turns, respecting one another’s space and creations and asked permission to paint over different spaces. it was a beautiful dance as we turned the canvas and viewed it from all sides, listening and waiting for our intuition to show us what might come next.

As we painted, we were processing what was happening in our mind, body and spirit. My whole being slowly calmed and came to a place of rest where I was able to breath deeper and I began feeling peace rather than anger. But what made this collaborative painting experience so powerful is the fact that my friend welcomed me in and allowed my emotions to be true and sat with me in them and walked through the process of coming to the other side. I call it “The Great Covering” ... not only because of how I felt so covered in my friends love and hospitality but also because it makes me think of God’s great covering in the midst of every circumstance and at every step we take. I’m thankful for a friend who demonstrated this truth in a life-giving way on this day.

“Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; how blessed are all those who long for Him. O people in Zion, inhabitants in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you. Although the Lord give you the bread of privation and the water of oppression, He, your Teacher will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will behold your Teacher. And your ears will hear a word behind you, “This is the way, walk in it,” whenever you turn to the right or to the left.” Isaiah 30:18-21

IMG_0694 2.jpg

The Power of Breath

DRAWING THE BREATH 

Recently I was challenged to “draw my breath” ... I didn’t know how to do this but over the course of 3 weeks I wrestled, pondered and asked questions about my breath.

The first drawing I did was with eyes closed, allowing the pencil to go where it willed as I listened to my inhale, then exhale. When I opened my eyes all I could see is a strange looking fish with a large ominous mouth which only made me think of a hungry perinea, leaving me feeling unsettled.

The second drawing started with big red curves representing the stress I felt in the moment, feeling out of control from not knowing how to draw my breath. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing, what medium to use, the “perceived” rules or expected outcome. The challenge was to simply “draw your breath.”  But I changed color to blue and allowed my hand to continue pushing the pencil as curves became softer, gentler, calmer, “blue” as if paying attention to my breath and engaging my whole body allowed me to center and breathe deep, exhaling the anxiety I felt when I first started with wild red curves but ending with almost flatline calming blue curves. 

Then... after days of wrestling, thinking, pondering, praying I saw a picture of my breath; it was a picture of wind unfurling through the air so I dared to paint what I was seeing. When I allow stress and worry and control to dominate my heart and mind, my breath is shallow, constricting and dark which doesn’t allow the full unfurling into the air. But when I pause and remember that every breath I breathe is a gift and each encounter and circumstance in my life is a gift, I can give thanks and I realize that all that God’s given me can be gifted to the world around me and I can breathe deeper which gives me strength and freedom which eventually leads to a deeper experience of “life” which I intern can give to others - like the pearls in the painting being released, sharing their beauty with the world. So it is with all of us. God gave us breath and our very breath and existence impacts the world around us. We alone get to choose the level of impact. So when we breathe deep and accept all that comes our way as a gift, we in turn are able to be a gift to those around us.

After painting this I was reading, Breath for the Bones which reminded me that the Greek definition of Spirit is breath or wind. Perhaps listening to our breath and paying attention to how we are impacting those around us would cause us to pause, to breathe deeper and see more beauty and maybe even see how we can make the world a better place. After all we’ve all been given breath for a divine purpose that’s beyond our control and it’s the unseen things - breath, wind, and Spirit - that have the power to transform the world around us and yet we control none of these things! Therefore, why not thank the Maker of our breath every day and give the gifts He’s given to those who are wanting to experience new life, movement of the wind and the power of the Spirit.

May every breath we breathe give testimony to His greatness.  

April Near, Mixed Media, Oil, Sculpture 

The Breath.jpg

Recreated Mistake

Recreated Mistake

This painting was birthed from a throw away canvas which had a hideous start of my first attempted acrylic paining. Two years later I went to a artist workshop and I observed Mel McCubbin’s free flowing style with oils so I unashamedly took the throw away canvas and tried to paint like Mel - rhythmically, carelessly, freely, and without inhibition. I didn’t really care how it turned out since I was using a throw a way canvas anyway. I found myself being brave, generous and uninhibited with the paint and technique.

This left me wondering about our strong tendency to reject our mistakes and not try again nor learn from them. It also made me think about the beauty of plurality . . . the scene wouldn’t be near as vibrant and life-filled if there was only one flower. Nor are any two flowers the same - this makes me think about how we are better when we choose to do life together and the beautiful fact that we’re all different but we have gifts to share with one another.

I believe we are so much stronger when we share our joys and sufferings, our accomplishments and failures, our beauty and mess. We often see mistakes as failures and do our best to run but when I turned toward the mistake-filled canvas and allowed it educate me to a new perspective, the old paint (background shape) gave direction to the new scene which makes the whole scene richer. Turning toward the mistake canvas strangely freed me to paint without fear because in my mind I couldn’t ruin it since it was already ruined. What changed everything though was my perspective. I decided to face the mistake, learn from it and re-create. A lesson that stays with me as I walk the path of life by His grace and mercy.

“The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:23

Re-Created Mistakes .jpg